Confusion…..

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It has been a week since I made the decision to face my fears and remove the mask. What I have learnt in that time is that peeling of the mask is like peeling away the layers of an onion and just like with an onion you can expect the tears to flow freely.

The first layer is the catalyst. You feel so empowered for having faced the fear but are caught totally off guard when you discover there are so many other masks you are not even aware of…until now that is. And suddenly you are bombarded by thoughts and behaviours which no longer “fit”.The awareness of which is painful. You suddenly no longer feel empowered. You are overwhelmed. Where to start? How to start?

The only part I can be certain of is that I no longer wish to live my life this way. But if you were to ask me how I would like to live my life, I couldn’t tell you .I have no idea what I feel. And that in itself is painful. Asked how I would like to spend my day I sit there dumbfounded unable to answer. As I try to reach within and decide on one thing that might bring me joy , all I find are tears of frustration.

I desperately crave change but feel so powerless. I truly do not know how. I just know life as it is no longer “fits”.

I grow tired of seeing the pain I cause others for the way I am. And though I know enough to understand that I am not responsible for how others choose to feel it is difficult not to “own it” when you see the pain etched on the face of someone you love.

And then the guilt…..

And then I look in the mirror and see that self same pain etched on my own face . And as I sit here writing and wondering what the answer is that will lift me out of the abyss I hear the word I always hear at times like this,’ acceptance’.

Acceptance of what?

And I realize as always the answer is “me”. Unless  I stop resisting  the way I am and feeling guilty for being this way, I am destined to continue along this path unable to peel away the layers. 

 To put it more clearly,“What you resist persists” .