To say the past week has been easy would be to lie. Adjusting medication levels to a dosage that makes life livable has been on the top of the list. Gradually I have decreased the dosage to a quantity that for two days now has eased the anxiety and though the general restlessness is still there, and the feeling that whatever I am doing, I should be doing something else, it has lessened somewhat.
Lately,I have come to notice something in my behavior that has changed and it has caused me much concern until today. To most it would seem such a trivial and unimportant matter, but to me, it signifies a major step forward in my healing.
For as long as I have worried about my appearance and the face I present to the world, I have straightened my naturally curly hair. This has lately become a mammoth effort which has concerned me as I just don’t have the energy to do it anymore. At first I associated it with severe depression except for the fact that I am not depressed. I make every effort to do it and make a start but it seems such a huge task that I give up after a few minutes.
A n hour ago I tried again and could not bring myself to finish what I had started and decided that tomorrow when I have to go out in public and face the world I will do so with curly hair. The anxiety this caused was hard to contain and so I made every effort to be still and meditate upon it. It was hard to quieten the mind that kept telling me I should get back in the bathroom and do what I knew needed to be done but I persisted with the stillness that I knew would eventually lead me to the truth. And then it came…..
As I sat there picturing myself with curly hair and asking why I no longer had the energy to do as I had done for over twenty years and wondering if this was a phase of depression I had not experienced before, I suddenly heard the word “Acceptance” and suddenly I was overcome by an overwhelming sense of peace. Suddenly I understood.
I made a commitment to myself months ago that I would take of the mask and no longer be afraid to be “me” and this is part of my honouring that commitment. I no longer want to “change” myself for fear of non acceptance by others. For after all, if I can’t accept me as I am, then no one else will either. But as I sit here knowing that I have taken a huge leap forward in my healing I still feel a certain fear that will only be vanquished by my moving through it.
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