Acceptance....

Friday, January 07, 2011

Almost three months ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after 25 years of mental health issues that were incorrectly diagnosed as depression. After a period of feeling angry, sorry for myself and overall resistance, I have come to realize that this diagnosis is the best thing that could have happened to me.

Suddenly there is an acceptance that is beginning to take place. Initially that acceptance came as a result of my seeing that my behavior fit the criteria for this disorder and I started to let go of the guilt for being the way I was.

I was able to accept  my desire for solitude and the ensuing social withdrawal despite others expectations of me. I was able to accept that at times being close and affectionate to people was difficult despite the pain it caused them. I was able to accept that I preferred the company of animals who have no expectations of me and accept me just as I am. I could accept that at times being in this world was a painful and difficult thing along with the tears that followed these moments. And with this acceptance I released the guilt I carried for so long for being this way.

Now that acceptance has evolved. I am beginning to get glimpses of what lies beneath the behaviour, beneath the mask. I am glimpsing my true essence, and I am seeing myself shining through for the first time ever.

Acceptance is the key that opens the door which was wedged tightly shut for most of my life. Resistance, guilt and fear failed to unlock that door no matter how many times I tried to force it open. Suddenly there is an absolute ease in being who I am. I have not changed my ways but merely told myself that it is okay to be this way and in a way I guess that permission I have given myself to be who I am has opened the door to love….self love.

And now the healing truly begins.