“One pill makes you larger..one pill makes you small…”

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Medication……the bane of my existence.  The roller coaster ride that never ends. I have been on a new medication, new to me at least, called Abilify for one month now and I have to say that in 25 years this is the first pill that has made a difference. On it I am not depressed and that is a very significant improvement. I have tried numerous different medications and this is the only one that seems to have worked.

But as with most medications there is a down side….side effects, and for Abilify, the list is endless. For me it is restlessness, drowsiness and then insomnia, blurred vision, difficulty concentrating, flu like symptoms and at times difficulty breathing. But hey…I am not depressed!!! And that is the one thing, the only thing that is giving me the strength and resilience to ride out this storm and wait until my body adjusts to the changes and the side effects hopefully vanish.

In the mean time as I drive those around me insane with my endless pacing and inability to be still, I still struggle with the fact that I am doing to my body the one thing I swore I would not do. To me pills have always been a band-aid solution that, whilst they ease the symptoms, do not really address the problem. Yet at the same time I do see that not being depressed gives me the opportunity to face the problems and heal them. If I could sit still long enough to do so that is.

A pill to me is no more than a crutch. Not unlike any other drug that eases the symptoms of psychological pain and yet at the moment I find myself hesitant to dismiss it from my life. For I repeat again…I am not depressed  and in those rare moments when I feel the internal restlessness subside and clarity reigns supreme I feel a lot like Alice  experiencing a brand new reality.