Simply...being.

Tuesday, 21^st of December 2010

An asphalt flower is the clearest and most poignantly beautiful symbol of nature’s triumph. Man may destroy nature and build pathways and roads, but eventually nature can and will overcome. It cannot be subjugated.

This has become my inspiration in my healing journey .

 To me those manmade constructs, those pathways and roads, are the beliefs and thoughts that lead me away from my true nature, my essence. Those lies that I have come to accept as my truth that obscure the beauty of the light within me.

 And though that light is obscured it has not dimmed for if it had, then I would accept that those thoughts, and this “disorder” known as Borderline Personality Disorder, are me. But somehow in moments of “clarity” I can stand apart from it, become the observer and recognize that what is going on in my head is merely an illusion and I get brief glimpses of that asphalt flower growing ever so slowly through the crack in the pavement.

Today is one such day. It is a day when nature is triumphing and I feel comfortable being me. It is not a euphoric state but merely a peaceful one of acceptance where life seems to flow with ease. Obstacles are easily overcome and anxiety seems like a foreign concept that I cannot define.

Perhaps it is the new medication, perhaps it is God answering my desperate pleas. I like to believe that they are both intertwined as for me personally there is no healing without God.

And yet these feelings of being disconnected that define this disorder persist. For despite my belief that God has heard and answered my prayers, there is still a distance between us. He still seems far away.

I still seem far away.

I have no idea who “me” is.

To delve too deeply into that question and to get lost on that road that leads to pointless thought is not in my best interest right now. I am able to see that with clarity. Perhaps for now, it is sufficient to just “be” and enjoy just “being” without the need for analysis. This realization in and of itself, is a new experience for me. To be able to recognize that I was on the precipice of the abyss ready to step into the dark void of my mind, and was able to pull myself back despite my curiosity is truly a step forward.

With absolute peace of mind and heart I can say that for today, nature has triumphed.